Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
When did angry sex become our thing?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
