There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
