I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
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You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
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I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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