Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Randomize
