I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
