and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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