I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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