I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
