I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
