i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
