i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
The Olympian is in my bed
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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