i was born a porn star she said
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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