Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
