Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
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I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
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I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
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