that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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