Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
