the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
