my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
