turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Randomize
