Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
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