I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
