if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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