he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
