literally had 100 drinks last night.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I need to align my fucking chakras
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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