Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
porn star boner night. come get it.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
