Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
