I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
