I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
