I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
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In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
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Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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