Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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