Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Please don't give away my fajitas
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
