His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
