How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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