I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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