seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
