So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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