i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
