his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
