piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
