you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
