I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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