After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
