my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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