Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
