Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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