it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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