I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
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I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
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sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.