At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!