my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Randomize
