Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
the day after is always just damage control
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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