There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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