Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
