Your face is a jimmy john
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
