Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
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