Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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