dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Need sex. Gaining weight.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
