the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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