i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
