I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
