I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
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